Dear Family,
We’ve been debating making this decision public for a while, and we feel it prudent and timely to share what has been going on with our family. We have decided not to baptize our children and to officially step away from the church as a family.
We understand that this can come as a shock and to some of you, and it might even hurt. We are sad if our family’s decision causes you any anguish or pain, but please know that this was not a choice that we came to lightly, nor does this decision bring us sorrow.
Both our lives have been greatly influenced and shaped by the church. We have tremendous appreciation for the good the church has done for us, and it has been a central piece for most of the major decisions in our lives. However, our association in the church has also brought us both, in our own right, significant personal pain, self-doubt, and sorrow.
Over the years, we both wrestled on-and-off with different aspects of the church/gospel, which led us as a couple to sincere reflection/prayer about our beliefs. Ultimately, the decision to leave the church was made, and it has unified us as a family and has brought us both significant inner peace.
Please know that we will continue to strive every day to raise and teach our children upstanding morals, values and the importance of having a relationship with deity. Please understand that we have had (and continue to have) many conversations about how this choice affects our children and it is not something that we have neglected to take into account. We love each of our children deeply and want the best for them and fully believe that we can still achieve this outside the church.
We understand and fully respect that the church/gospel are still central to your lives and will never try to dissuade or speak ill of it to you. We will continue to support you and your choices in celebrating important milestones and events within the church and we hope that you will continue to include us in those celebrations. Our love for each of you will never be affected by this choice of ours. We hope and pray that your love of us will not be affected either.
We know it is common in the church for some family members to feel personal pain or parental failure when a child or loved one leaves the church. While we respect that some of you may feel this way too, there is no reason to feel like you have failed, to be sad or morn for us.
Our family is the happiest it has ever been and while this whole thing is new, we are excited for the future of our family!
With genuine love,
Jordann and Tyler
We’ve been debating making this decision public for a while, and we feel it prudent and timely to share what has been going on with our family. We have decided not to baptize our children and to officially step away from the church as a family.
We understand that this can come as a shock and to some of you, and it might even hurt. We are sad if our family’s decision causes you any anguish or pain, but please know that this was not a choice that we came to lightly, nor does this decision bring us sorrow.
Both our lives have been greatly influenced and shaped by the church. We have tremendous appreciation for the good the church has done for us, and it has been a central piece for most of the major decisions in our lives. However, our association in the church has also brought us both, in our own right, significant personal pain, self-doubt, and sorrow.
Over the years, we both wrestled on-and-off with different aspects of the church/gospel, which led us as a couple to sincere reflection/prayer about our beliefs. Ultimately, the decision to leave the church was made, and it has unified us as a family and has brought us both significant inner peace.
Please know that we will continue to strive every day to raise and teach our children upstanding morals, values and the importance of having a relationship with deity. Please understand that we have had (and continue to have) many conversations about how this choice affects our children and it is not something that we have neglected to take into account. We love each of our children deeply and want the best for them and fully believe that we can still achieve this outside the church.
We understand and fully respect that the church/gospel are still central to your lives and will never try to dissuade or speak ill of it to you. We will continue to support you and your choices in celebrating important milestones and events within the church and we hope that you will continue to include us in those celebrations. Our love for each of you will never be affected by this choice of ours. We hope and pray that your love of us will not be affected either.
We know it is common in the church for some family members to feel personal pain or parental failure when a child or loved one leaves the church. While we respect that some of you may feel this way too, there is no reason to feel like you have failed, to be sad or morn for us.
Our family is the happiest it has ever been and while this whole thing is new, we are excited for the future of our family!
With genuine love,
Jordann and Tyler
Some of our suggestions:
We know some of you might be concerned on how to interact with our family when so much of our lives are engrained with church, church culture, and church related activities. To help us all on this new journey here are some of our thoughts:
- Family activities. Consider planning some family time that isn't church related, such as,
activities where we get to bond as a family, like hikes, trips to the park, vacations, game night, family dinners, etc. We would love to spend quality time with you. You can continue to invite us to church related activities; however, we may politely decline. - Baptisms. We will not be baptizing any of our children in the church. We will continue to teach our children about baptism, its associated covenants and why their friends or family choose to be baptized at 8. We look forward to attending baptisms of friends and family. However, we ask you to respect our decision to not baptize our children, and please do not try to convince our children that they need to be baptized or imply that they are spiritually unclean or that they are at any cognitive disadvantage because they have not received the Holy Ghost.
- Prayers. We are willing to join you in prayers at family events; however, please respect the way we choose to pray and how/what we teach our children about prayer.
- Word of Wisdom. Our food habits are different these days. We do drink coffee and tea. We do not expect you to buy these drinks for us or have them on hand for a family event. However, do not be surprised if you see us with a coffee in hand or see these beverages in our home. Know that we have tremendous respect for the merits of the Word of Wisdom and will continue to teach our children to eat healthy, exercise daily, and to have proper restraint on what they consume.
- Temple. We will no longer be attending the temple as patrons; however, we look forward to continuing to celebrate life’s big events with you before and after temple ceremonies.
- Garments/Modesty. Our beliefs on modesty are different than they used to be. We do not believe that tank tops, short skirts or short shorts are immodest. We will continue to teach our children about age-appropriate dress and style. We feel it is our parental responsibility to help our children develop a healthy body image. We appreciate your respect for our outfit choices and ask that you do not shame us or our children for any modesty choices that may differ from your own standards.
- Heaven. Often members of the church are deeply hurt when a loved one leaves the church as they believe that those who leave the church are lost to them, but we’re not lost. We’re right here with you and will always be your family.
- Gossip/Judgement. Our private affairs are just that, private. We ask that you respect our privacy in your conversations with others. We are open about leaving the church; however, many members of the church like to ask “why?” Often these conversations lead to critical comments or the assumption that anyone who leaves the church wants to “sin.” Nothing good comes from gossiping or speaking ill of those who leave. When people ask you about our faith transition or why we left the church, our preference would be that you would simply say, “Their views about the church have changed. If you would like to know more, you’ll need to ask them.”
- Reactivation. Our decision to leave the church is both deeply personal and extremely final. Nothing will damage our relationship more than trying to reactivate us or convert our children. We have no desire to try and persuade you to leave the church, likewise we ask that you do not try to persuade us or our children to return to the church. We are extremely decisive people, and our family decision has been made. Please do not send the missionaries, church material to read, or unsolicited church related messages. We ask you to accept our decision and respect our boundaries as parents. Do not be surprised if attempts to reactivate us or our children are not seen as loving, but instead are met with greater distance.
- Love. All we ask is that you love us for who we are and respect the decisions we have made. Far too often Mormon families and friends ostracize and criticize those who leave the church. We find this typical response disappointing; we are not amoral godless crazies; we are just a nice suburban family who believe slightly differently than you do. Our children deserve friends and family who love them for who they are, not based on what church they belong to. Our children need friends and family who support them, not judge them. Please don’t push religion on us or our children, instead push affection, kindness and love on them. You will have a much greater influence on our lives through love than you expect.
If you are still unsure how to navigate this change with us, here is something that might help. It’s geared towards parents but is applicable to anyone who has someone in their lives that is going through a faith transition.
https://www.ldsliving.com/6-Tips-for-Parents-of-Adult-Children-Who-Don-t-Believe-in-the-Church/s/90940
We look forward to a wonderful future founded on mutual respect for our religious beliefs and yours.